I’m happy with the relationship between us now. You always only wanted one thing from me, and I could never give you that because of my feelings. But now that I have him back in my life, I only want one thing from you too. We can finally be friends, without any awkwardness. And we still get what we both want from each other. I start to get scared I’m gonna fall for you again, but then I start thinking about him and that all goes away. It’s actually pretty great. I can tell you like this a lot better now too. You’re putting a lot more effort into this than I am, and I can see that you’re more interested in me than when we always had my feelings in the way. I don’t feel bad that you’re using me, because I’m just using you too. Yet… there’s this small part of me that is silently wishing you’ll fall for me.
I would choose you over him in a heartbeat. Compared to you, he is nothing. You are everything. I’m scared to get attached to him, because I’m scared to feel okay again. This pain I feel without you, reminds me of all the feelings I have for you. If I start to feel okay again, where do those feeling go? Tucked away back into my heart. If I feel okay, I’m afraid that’s the end of us. That we never will have another chance in the future, because I learned to cope with the pain again. I’m afraid if you see me doing fine with someone else, you will feel entitled to the same thing. I don’t want him, I need you. I belong with you. I’m supposed to be with you. Nobody else. I see that, why don’t you? Why do you have to deny it? You’re just complicating things more. I love you, forever.
I suffer in silence all day, smiling laughing. Acting like I’m doing perfectly fine without you. Then I come home and lose it, I just completely break down. The fear of you never coming back gets worse when I’m alone. I somehow made it through that year without you, because I had forgotten what it felt like to have you. And now that I had you back, even for the slightest amount of time, it was enough for me to admit all my feelings for you that never really went away. Why can’t we be perfect? Why does our relationships always have to be so dysfunctional? Why do we have to put each other through so much bullshit? I love you so much, and I used to be able to say you felt the same way without second guessing myself. Now I have no clue how you feel. You are the only person, who ever stuck around no matter what. The only person who ever put up with my bullshit. And now I’ve lost you again. This time I don’t even know what I did wrong. I can’t fix my mistake and make everything better. If I could talk to you, for just a few minutes. And understand why it went wrong. I think I would feel a little better, not so lost. But then again I’m afraid of what you’ll say. Scared that even if we did talk it out, I would still lose you. I love you.
I can’t do this. I can’t sit here and flirt with him like I’m actually interested. I can’t act like I’m interested in him. I can’t act like the sweet things he says to me give me butterflies. This all just feels so wrong. The thought of being with anyone but you isn’t right. I wish you were him. I wish you could take his place and be here with me. I wish you were the one making me laugh and smile. I wish it was you. I could name a million reasons why I should give him a chance. But I have just one, why I shouldn’t. He’s not you.
God why did I have to do this to myself? I knew bringing you back into my life would be complicated, but I took the risk anyways. How can you all of a sudden stop caring? And I knew this would happen! I told you this was gonna happen, but you denied it and promised it would never. I made the stupid mistake of trusting you. Why do I even try anymore? My life has been perfectly fine for the past 2 years without you! Then you just had to come back and fuck everything up. You make me feel worthless, unwanted, crazy. You sit here and blatantly ignore me like I don’t notice. I’ve put up with way more of your bullshit than anyone else. When nobody else was there for you, I was. Even though you don’t deserve the fucking time of day from me. And you hurt me like this again? God I just need you so badly and it kills me. I hate wanting you. I hate needing you. I hate loving you. You don’t deserve any of it. I deserve so much better than you! But nobody compares to you. No matter what bullshit you put me through, at the end of the day I’m still waiting for you. Too bad you don’t give a shit.
(Source: tonsofphotographyxox)
I want someone to want me to stay.
